Austin Powers: The Borg who shagged me
by Kusco
Summary: Crossover between, Star Trek Austin Powers! You'll have to read it to believe that someone was actually daft enough to write something like this.


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A/N: For disclaimer see the bottom of the page.

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Make Love Not interstellar War

Chapter 1

The Discovery

Captain's Log Supplemental_: We have been in deep space for several days now, searching for rumors of a borg presence in the Dabora system. Everything had been quiet and we had no leads, however that has now changed as we have encountered a ship of unknown origin. It has resisted all attempts to hail it and we are now preparing to run a scan in order to obtain more information._

Picard finished his captain's log as Lieutenant commander Data informed him that sensors were now ready for the scan they were about to perform. The strange ship they had encountered seemed to be made out of a material that didn't allow the use of regular sensors. Picard looked to the android who had served him so faithfully for so long. He had come to have full confidence that he would execute his duties faithfully and to the best of his abilities. It was for this reason that he trusted in the modifications that Data had made to the sensors.

"Go ahead then Mr. Data," Picard said,

The android immediately began scanning the vessel that was shown on the view screen before them. It appeared to be a drift and only had a very minimal power supply. Surely nothing could be living on aboard it. Despite this, Picard was wary. He had lost track of how many times he had encountered strange and sometimes dangerous life-forms in the most unlikely of places.

"What do you think of it Number one?" Picard asked looking at his first officer.

"I don't think that you want to know that sir." Riker responded uncharacteristically stoic

"What is it Number One?" Picard pressed, curious to know what was keeping Riker so quiet. "I know that it might not seem important but all opinions need to be considered."

"Well sir…" Riker stammered "it's just that I think that the appearance of the vessel is a little odd."

"Odd?" Picard asked. "In what way?"

"Well…" Riker said with a nervous half smile glancing in Deanna's direction for the briefest of moments "…to me it looks like an enormous…"

"Johnson." Commander Worf interrupted from above them.

"Excuse me?" Picard asked looking to the klingon.

"Admiral Johnson has just sent us a hail wishing to know of our progress." Worf clarified.

Picard thought for a moment "Tell the Admiral that there are no signs of the borg as of yet but we will keep him informed." The captain said, knowing that there was little need to inform the entire federation of their discovery just yet.

"Sir I am picking up strange energy fluctuations coming from the vessel. I believe that our scans have caused some systems to activate..." Data said looking at his read outs "Sir it appears that a life support system has activated itself. I am now picking up two life signs. Both appear to be in some sort of stasis.

Riker and Picard exchanged looks of mixed curiosity and wariness.

"If I may say so sir." Data interjected, this does remind me somewhat of the situation that the crew of the first _enterprise_ encountered when they awoke Kahn Noneen Soon, from his stasis. Perhaps these are more of the twentieth century supermen that were frozen."

"Yes I was just considering the same thing." Picard agreed, "However I have never seen an earth ship with such a … unique design. We cannot be sure of anything until we investigate further. Can the sensors pick up anything else?"

"Negative," Data said, while tapping several buttons on his station. "The ship's power supply is still giving us difficulty, though I do think that with an active life support system it would be safe for humans to occupy."

"Then should I prepare an away mission?" Riker asked looking somewhat excited to board the other ship.

"Make it so number one." Picard said.

Riker shot up from his seat, "Worf, Deanna, you're with me." He said "We'll have Doctor Crusher meet us in transporter room five."

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Everything was dark when the away team materialized on the deck of the unidentified vessel. Worf immediately turned on the light above his phaser rifle, Riker, as for the other officers they illuminated the room with lights attached to their wrists. The ship looked extremely old, with a thick layer of dust that caked everything from bulkheads to floors. With each step that the away mission took a small plume of dust was shot into the air.

"The air is very stale in here." Worf commented the dust causing him to stifle a sneeze.

"Well it ought to be." Crusher said studying her tricorder. "According to my readings this vessel seems to have been built in the early twenty first century. Life support or not it's amazing that this oxygen isn't poisonous,"

"Thank you for the comfort, doctor," the klingon responded

"What of the two life forms?" Riker asked looking to Deanna "Can you sense if they are alive?"

The telepath looked as if she was focusing briefly, after a few seconds of concentration she turned to the others. "I can feel them" she informed, "They are alive but I can tell little else. Maybe if we can locate them I'll be able to get a better impression."

"Then let's go." Riker said leading the way with his tricorder toward the direction of the life signs. With each crew member following him into the darkness one after another. Gradually the air seemed to become fresher as they made their way through the vessel. After what seemed to be a long time. They found themselves before a large door marked "Cryo-chamber". However the door would not open for them. Not to be deterred Riker, with the help of Worf ripped open a panel and managed to find some wires. With a little coaxing from Data aboard the _Enterprise_ they managed to hot wire it.

The moment they had completed that task, the doors slid open and all four starfleet officers had to shield their eyes as the corridor was filled with the light of the room they had just opened.

"Picard to Riker" the first officers comm-badge rang "Sensors have just indicated that several systems have just activated themselves. Is everything alright?

"We're fine captain," Riker said, squinting his eyes as they entered the room. In reality it wasn't so much the brightness of the light that had caused them to squint, as it was the fact that they had been traipsing through a dark ship for the better part of an hour. Gradually Riker began to make out that the room was octagonal, with various machines and computers along the walls, His gaze eventually fell upon the center of a far wall where there were two cylindrical chambers covered in frost.

"I'm picking up two life signs," Crusher reported, then paused slightly before continuing with her tricorder readings "…both human."

"Human?" Worf said, looking to the doctor "So it would appear that Data's superhuman idea may be correct."

"Maybe," Crusher admitted "Though remember that this isn't the first time we've found frozen humans in space."

"But never this deep in space." Riker commented, stepping up to one of the chambers. The first officer gently whipped away some frost and peered into the area he had swept away, the uncovered glass suddenly revealed the face of another man peering back at him. He was completely bald and had a long scar running up one side of his face. Riker brushed off more frost until his hand came across a plaque in the center of he cylinder.

"Will," Deanna said causing him to jump slightly "You're uncovering some writing."

Riker focused on the space he had rubbed off. Seeing a letter "d" he continued, until he had uncovered everything.  
"It's English," Worf said reading the words

"Yes," Deanna said peering at the words "_Dr. Evil_…that doesn't sound inviting."

"What about the other one?" Crusher asked, as if in response Worf neared the other chamber and did the same as Riker had done previously.

"I see no one," The klingon said peering into the glass he had uncovered. "Wait…there is something below." Worf knelt down to uncover more frost revealing a face that was almost an exact copy of the other man. The security officer uncovered the frost from the middle to reveal another name.

"_Mini-me_?" Riker read aloud, "It sounds like something out of Data's favorite twentieth century holo-novels"

The other starfleet officers stared at the two frozen figures for a moment trying to ascertain what exactly it all meant. Each secretly hoping that the other would have a better idea of what to make of the two frozen figures before them.

"This is strange." Deanna finally said breaking the silence. "I think that it's obvious that these are not genetically altered supermen."

"So what do we do now?" Crusher asked the others merely gave her a blank stare "Well we can't just leave them here!" she continued "For pity's sake, they've been frozen for over three hundred years!"

"Kahn was frozen for a long time." Riker reminded her, "We can't do anything until we report to the captain."

"Well then lets do it!" Crusher insisted, Riker was about to tap his comm-badge when Deanna stopped him.

"Will," she said "Look at the glass," all the federation officers peered to see tiny driblets of water running down the capsules.

"Oh no," Crusher said scanning them with her tricorder "They're unfreezing! We must have activated the cryo-chambers somehow! We need to get them to the _Enterprise_ there's no telling what kind of damage they're bodies have sustained by being frozen for so long!"

"Wait…" Riker said "We can't just…"

"You don't understand," Crusher cut him off "When a body is frozen the blood crystallizes, if not thawed properly it could literally rip the person apart from the inside out! If I can get them to sick bay I can ensure that they thaw correctly but if we wait here there is no telling what might happen!"

Riker stammered, it was all moving too quickly for him. The whole situation reminded him too much of what he had learned in Starfleet history about the discovery of Kahn. The last thing he wanted was to release another threat to the galaxy.

"Will!" Crusher insisted.

Riker suddenly sighed knowing that it was the only thing he could do. Tapping his com-badge the first officer spoke "Riker to Enterprise we need you to lock onto all life signs and beam us directly to sick bay.

"What's going on Will?" Picard's voice came betraying a hint of worry for his officers.

"I'll explain when we're aboard the ship." Riker replied.

"…Very well," Picard replied.

After a few seconds there was the familiar streaks of light as the occupants of the room disappeared leaving it devoid of life.

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Picard shifted his uniform uncomfortably as the turbolift began to move. An hour had passed since the away team had returned…with two frozen humans in tow. Riker had immediately returned to the bridge and reported everything that had happened on the other ship. Crusher had been very brief in all her communications as she was racing to properly thaw the pair . To the doctor it did not matter who these two could be, all that she focused on was that lives needed saving and she was the one to do it. After an hour had passed she had finally contacted the bridge and informed them that the thawing process had been completed without a hitch and while both humans were still asleep she expected them to be in full health when they awakened.

Though the starfleet captain approved of the actions of his crew, knowing that it was the most humane thing that they could have done. He did not want to take any chances. He had immediately spoken to Worf about security measures once the pair had awoken. He felt confident that they would be prepared for anything.

Finally the turbolift stopped and Picard began to walk at a quick pace. He almost instantly began to turn left then had to stop himself as he remembered that it was no longer the _Enterprise D_ and he had to turn right to reach sickbay in his new ship. Though he had lived aboard it for some time Picard still tended to get confused somewhat with the directions of the _Enterprise E_. Picard liked to think that it was just a simple problem of adjustment but in the back of his mind he admitted that it had something to do with age.

After a minute or so he reached his destination and the door whooshed open, where he was greeted by the face of Beverly Crusher. Her hair was slightly frizzled as she had obviously been working frantically. On the other side of the deck he could see two figures lying on separate beds. One was distinctly smaller than the other.

"Good," Crusher said as her hands suddenly shot to her head and she began unconsciously straightening her hair. "They're beginning to come to."

The doctor lead him over to the beds where he could have a look at them. The taller one was balder than Picard and seemed to wear a pleased smile. The captain looked at the smaller of the two.

"Well he seems to be a regular hobbit." Picard quipped.

"Hobbit sir?" Crusher asked not understanding his reference.

"Never mind," Picard said then turned serious "What of this smaller one. He appears to be a miniature of the taller man."

"Yes," Crusher explained "It appears that he is an exact genetic duplicate of the other, only altered to be one eighth his size. His plaque called him 'Mini-me',"

"and the other was…" Picard said turning to the full sized man "…Mr. Evil?"

"Something like that." Crusher replied, there was a sudden beeping as Mini-me suddenly began to stir. "He's waking sir." Both federation officers turned to see the small creature before them begin to move his hands, followed by his feet. Finally his eyes flew open and he peered at the two figures before them. The midget appeared terrified, his eyes darting about wildly trying to take in this new environment.

"It's okay," Picard said leaning downward. "We aren't going to hurt you."

"Mini-me" only stared back as if he did not understand them. Suddenly another computer beeped, and the two Federation officers turned to see Dr. Evil stir, after a few moments his eyes flew open and he looked at the two humans before him.

"Hello," Crusher said leaning forward slightly "I'm Beverly Crusher. How do you feel?"

The recently thawed human looked her up and down then addressed the bald man beside her. Finally his eye settled on Mini-me and a large smile appeared on his face.

"W…What century is it?" he finally asked

"It's the twenty-fourth century." Picard said "You have been frozen for over three hundred years. Do you feel alright?"

"Three hundred years," Dr. Evil repeated then looked to his smaller clone "Do you hear that Mini-me? Do you know what that means? We're back!" the pale man suddenly brought one hand to the edge of his mouth with his pinky extended and let out an enormous evil laugh. Picard and Crusher peered at each other in confusion. Who had they just woken up?

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Next chapter: Dr. Evil and Mini-me aboard the Enterprise, find out what has happened to Dr. Evil's evil empire and his Arch-nemesis Austin Powers!

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Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek, New Line Cinema owns Austin Powers. I however own nothing.


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